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↑ search Format Kindle ⫸ Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life ⟵ Ebook Author Laurie Notaro ⡚

↑ search  Format Kindle ⫸ Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life  ⟵ Ebook Author Laurie Notaro ⡚ ↑ search Format Kindle ⫸ Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life ⟵ Ebook Author Laurie Notaro ⡚ Birth of a HoarderMy sister Lisa spent most of her early childhood in a Dumpster Lifting her in, my Pop Pop would point to where she should root around like a little beaver with her hands, searching for stuff that drugstores deemed too unworthy to stock on their shelves any Once, she found a comb still in its packaging and held it up like a prize, much to my Pop Pops delight as he cheered and clapped for a job well done On another hallowed day, she emerged from a mess of cardboard and trash with a clock radio in her hands and presented it to my grandfather, who reacted as if she had discovered a roll of gold Krugerrands.Its in one piece he shrieked with delight.Convinced by her eight year old logic that if she found a packaged comb in the trash she certainly might find a Barbie in the same condition, my Pop Pop continued to dip my sister into Dumpsters until she gained enough weight that he sprained his back lifting her out Mostly, their haul consisted of old bakery items and dented boxes of generic cornflakes, but their resplendent heists often became decorations in his backyard, like a clown head he balanced on a stick in his garden to scare birds away from his tomatoes, and Mr Arizona, a life sized stuffed man doll with a mustache and top hat so terrifyingly shuddersome that even a pedophile wouldnt have touched it Mr Arizona sat on the back patio in his favorite chair, his long, ghoulish, stained legs stretched out like those of a plantation master, and as the neighborhood slipped into decline, he was, I am positive, the only reason my grandparents never got robbed Tweakers like stealing, it is true, but even they are scared of dolls that could easily suck out your soul and an eyeball or two in the process There is no doubt in my mind that there were the bones of at least three children still being marinated in Mr Arizonas digestive tract, and when my grandfather died, Mr Arizona found himself in the hands of Nana and heading toward the alley the minute we got home from the funeral.Pop Pop was an avid collector of anything cheap and free, and if that meant lowering his tiny granddaughter into a stinking bin of trash and risking cholera to find a clock radio that never worked, then so be it He used all the tools at hand Nana never let him bring any of his findings into the house, insisting, All of that junk has bugs in it so he had no other choice than to display his ongoing, curated collection in the backyard or, for the finer items, in his shed.To my grandfather, everything had value Everything could be used again He was a product of the Depression, and nothing should ever be thrown away Tinfoil was cleaned and flattened Sandwich baggies were washed out He saved dishes and plastic containers from frozen dinners My sisters old dollhouse was perched in a tree where all the birds that got the crap scared out of them by the clown head went to shit Then he retired and became a janitor for a middle school where he had an all access pass to garbage, and his Lincoln came home stuffed every day with old books, chewed on pencils, and tossed art projects Do you know how bad a middle school art project has to be before an art teacher will throw it away In seventh grade, my left brained nephew made a clay bowl with two scoops of ice cream and a banana resting in between them, and glazed it all the same color Vanilla It was supposed to be a banana sundae, but it was not a banana sundae It looked like something you would pay for in a back alley in Thailand My sister still has it Its in a closet and she charges admission to see it, but she still has it.Thats how bad middle school art projects are that get tossed Pop Pop had a collection of sculptures and masks that was nothing short of childrens nightmares Some of the masks had teeth, which is stark terror in and of itself, and several of the bust sculptures resembled burn victims, glazed in a delicate pink Nevertheless, my grandfather placed these about his yard, hanging the masks on the cut fronds of a fat date palm that he paid to have decapitated because it produced too much messy fruit that Nana insisted was attracting bugs It became a squat, thick altar of horror that he thought was cute, and he continued to add elements to it until it contained pinwheels, ribbons, and totem poles that he found on clearance at Walgreens.Im sure his neighbors believed that the nutjob next door was practicing voodoo instead of being a little old Italian man who had nothing to do in baseballs off season all that was missing from his creation were chicken bones and a black candle While I wont turn Elizabeth Gilbert on you and claim that he saw beauty in everything, he saw use in everything, even a green glazed mask that I think was supposed to be the Hulk but closely resembled the symptoms of the plague.And this, along with toenails so thick I could roof a house with the clippings, is what I inherited from Pop Pop Who was the girl who spent her lunch hours roaming thrift stores to furnish her first apartment Me Who was the girl who continued to shop at thrift stores on her lunch hour even when the apartment had everything Me Who is the girl who still buys a vintage dresser for ten dollars even if she has four others in the basement and a husband who has started to make her haul this stuff home by herself The same girl who already has in her basement two complete bedroom sets, a couch that she will someday reupholster, a desk that will someday squeeze into the house, three antique doors that will fit into a house eventually, a lead glass window six feet tall and four feet wide that was salvaged from a neighboring house, and a stove.But I am not a hoarder I can give things away I once traded a Victorian couch and a cast iron sink to my farmer friends for a years worth of polenta and beans Which I also still have, but that is beside the point I can throw things away, like credit card bills I have not paid I even had a garage sale this past summer, which proves beyond a doubt that I am not a hoarder.Before my beloved next door neighbor Freddie moved, we decided to have a block sale to increase traffic and hopefully get rid of all of our unwanted stuff The week before, I went through cupboards, closets, and the basement to collect enough items for a fairly good showing, if not only to prove to my husband that I could part with things even if I felt they still retained a good use.But I surprised even myself.Seriously, if a museum had a garage sale, mine would have rivaled it, and if I could have named it, it would have been called The Most Super Awesome Yard Sale EVER I had antiques, hardcover books, clothes from Anthropologie from when I was still an Anthropologie size, incredible framed art, stoneware bowls, a telescope, and even a FREE box with old vases and jars.Why dont you save yourself a day and take all of this straight to Goodwill my husband said, and I stopped dead in my tracks.Are you kidding me I stormed Do you know how much this stuff is worth I could make a thousand dollars tomorrow This is gold, and I am basically giving it away No way Im going to make a fortune tomorrow Freddie put her sale on Craigslist Im just going to sit there and take money all day long.Do I have to help he asked.If I get an unmanageable crowd fighting over things, yes, I told him But you can wait until you hear me screaming for you.I washed and lint rolled all of the clothes I folded them carefully and put them in bins I lined up all the books, organized by the color of their spines I set up a little table with a very pretty tablecloth to signify that this was The Most Super Awesome Yard Sale EVER and a chair, and I waited for the crowds to descend My yard was full of treasures that my husband had been terrorizing me to donate to a thrift store, but all this stuff was worth something The Arts and Crafts chalk sketches of fruit were still in their original tiger oak frames The antique steamer trunk retained Victorian lining paper inside The telescope had been used once before my husband decided that astronomy was confusing and he needed a simpler hobby that didnt require calculations The stoneware bowls were brand new and priced at seventy dollars apiece on the potters website The Kenneth Cole suitcases would never be used again unless we went on a norovirus cruise and required vast amounts of Imodium A D and Gatorade.And then, the crowds did descend.On Freddies house.Praise for Laurie Notaro Notaro is a scream, the freak magnet of a girlfriend you cant wait to meet for a drink to hear her latest story The Plain Dealer If Laurie Notaros books dont inspire pants wetting fits of laughter, then please consult your physician, because, clearly, your funny bone is broken.Jen Lancaster, author of I Regret Nothing Hilarious, fabulously improper, and completely relatable, Notaro is the queen of funny.Celia Rivenbark, author of Rude Bitches Make Me TiredNotaro is direct and self deprecating, and her disastrous attempts to sew a dress and make jerky treats for her dog are relatable and funny Library Journal Housebroken Admissions of an Untidy Life Fulfillment by FBA is a service we offer sellers that lets them store their products in s fulfillment centers, and directly pack, ship, provide customer for these The Seeing Eye Adopt Dog Dog When puppy or dog unable to complete guide training, call career change dogs because they often go on other types careers including law enforcement, search rescue, just as important loving pet ADA Requirements Service Animals Animals The Department Justice published revised final regulations implementing the Americans with Disabilities Act ADA title II State local government services III public accommodations commercial facilities September Federal Register Potty Mouth at Table Paperback Comment This item shows signs wear from consistent use, but it remains good condition working copy All pages cover are intact , may have aesthetic issues such small tears, bends, scratches, scuffs Spine also show A Z Guide T Mobile Arena Arena dedicated providing exciting, memorable premium guest experience while ensuring safety security all patrons Financial Aid Information New Mexico Highlands University committed helping students attain affordable education philosophy Office Scholarships award funding many qualified possible Barclays Center Access A Ride bus stop Center located Atlantic Avenue, between Flatbush Avenue Ft Greene Place situated south side adjacent arena, nearest Calvin Klein VIP EntranceLaurie Notaro Wikipedia Laurie born aft Brooklyn, York Times best selling American writer was raised Phoenix, Arizona, She graduated Arizona degree journalism co founded Planet Magazine, senior editor Tucson Monthly, full color city magazineNotaro columnist ten years Republic York, then spent remainder her formative AZ, where she created something checkered past Home Facebook likes talking about this No NYT Bestselling author new book, Enter Pirates, here Official Publisher Page Simon Schuster reporter daily metro before publishing twelve books fiction non Random House Schuster, several which been bestsellersHer work covers genres humor, women fiction, historical literary Author Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club avg rating, ratings, reviews, We Thought You Woul laurienotaro Twitter latest Tweets terrible typist Oregon Works, List Books Instagram photos videos Followers, Following, Posts See videos Co PBS Season Episode series one conversations featured out host, Alberto Rios, who accomplished himself Principal Creative LinkedIn View profile LinkedIn, world largest professional community has jobs listed LinkedIn discover Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life

 

    • Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life
    • 1.3
    • 40
    • Format Kindle
    • 289 pages
    • Laurie Notaro
    • Anglais
    • 04 October 2016

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