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⇖ Free Format Kindle @Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland ⇭ Ebook By Dave Barry ∃

⇖ Free  Format Kindle @Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland ⇭ Ebook By Dave Barry ∃ ⇖ Free Format Kindle @Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland ⇭ Ebook By Dave Barry ∃ A Brief History of Florida For millions of years, Florida was uninhabited, because it was geographically remote, not to mention several hundred feet beneath the surface of the Atlantic, which meant insurance rates were very high Gradually, however, Global Rising caused Florida to emerge from the ocean, and today the state is above sea level except during certain months.The first humans arrived in Florida twenty thousandyears ago, having crossed the land bridge from Asia andmade the arduous trek across North America in search of Spring Break These early inhabitants left primitive archaeological artifacts that can still be seen today, including the worlds oldest known stone bong.In time, the population of Florida started to grow probably, scientists now believe, as a result of people having sexwith each other Eventually, these indigenous peoples spread out across Florida and formed Native American tribes, including the Tequestas, Mohicans, Cheyennes, Seminoles, Gators, Presbyterians and Kansas City Chiefs These tribes established thriving, sophisticated societies based on hitting things with rocks until they became edible Sometimes the tribes would fight wars, but after maybe fifteen minutes they would stop because of the humidity.Thus Florida was a prosperous and peaceful place until the early sixteenth century when the first Europeans arrived in the form of Spanish explorers who had been lured by the legend of the Pjaro Temprano, which told of a mythical place where, if you were seated before 4 30 p.m., you got a steeply discounted entre The Spaniards named the new land La Pascua de la Florida literally, The Sunshine State and claimed it for Spain, seeing as how there was nobody there except for several hundred thousand natives.In 1763, Spain and England decided to end the Seven Years War because it started in 1756 and they couldnt agree on a new name for it In the peace settlement, Spain gave Florida to England as part of a package that also included 167 trillion mosquitoes England, seeking to link Florida with its colonies to the north, erected a two hundred mile long line of orange highway construction barrels, which can still be seen today.For the next two decades, English settlers attempted to engage in agriculture, which mainly consisted of fending off alligators with hoes Finally in 1783, England said the hell with it and gave Florida back to Spain, reserving the right for English citizens to return on holiday and lie on the beach until their skin was the color of Hawaiian Punch.Meanwhile, to the north, the United States was forming.The Spanish authorities tried to keep the Americans out ofFlorida, but settlers from Georgia kept coming across the border and erecting primitive log Waffle Houses Eventually,Spain gave up and tried to give Florida back to England, which, of course, refused, as did France, Germany, Poland, Switzerland, Australia, Egypt, Japan and the Republic of Fiji Finally, in 1821, Florida became an American territory, which it remains to this day in many areas.At first there were land disputes between the U.S government and the Native American tribes, but these were eventually settled via a treaty under which the government got the land and the tribes got to leave In 1845, Florida became the twenty seventh state in the union, choosing Tallahassee as its capital, which got a good laugh from the other states because Tallahassee is located in Alabama.In those days, the Florida economy was strictly agricultural, with the main crop being cotton, which was grown on large plantations and gathered into bales, which were then transported to seaports, where they were thrown away because of mildew This was hard work, but much of the labor was provided by slaves, who were always willing to lend a helping hand in exchange for not being beaten to death.In 1865, the Civil War broke out, although Florida did not find out about it until 1883, when it was too late to really getinvolved Meanwhile, the states farmers had given up on cotton and were growing oranges, which were popular in the Northern states One fateful day, a Florida farmer decided, as a prank, to ship up some grapefruit At the time, nobody in Florida considered grapefruit to be edible it was used exclusively as a weapon But, incredibly, Northerners actually ate it, apparently believing that anything tasting that bad must be healthy This marketing breakthrough paved the way for such health foods as tofu, which is actually a waste by product of the manufacture of linoleum, andquinoa, which gets its name from the Bolivian word for gravel.January 1, 1900, marked the dawn of the twentieth century, although because of a broken telegraph wire Florida did not find out about this until July 18, 1903 For the next decade or so, the state remained fairly isolated, although it played apivotal role in World War I on November 10, 1918, when American biplanesin an action that was widely condemned by international human rights organizationsdropped several dozen grapefruit on Germany, which surrendered immediately.World War I was followed by the Roaring Twenties, a time when Americans went to speakeasies, where they drank bathtub gin until they were so impaired that they believed it would be a sound financial strategy to invest, sight unseen, in real estate located at or below sea level in a tropical cyclone zone This resulted in the first Florida Land Boom, during which Miami went from being a sleepy village to a thriving metropolis, until the Hurricane of 1926 turned it back into a sleepy village, but with a lot kindling.This was followed by the Great Depression, which was very bad in Florida.q How bad was it a Some families resorted to eating grapefruit.The only ray of economic hope during the thirties was thegrowth of Floridas tourism industry, which was boosted by the construction of such only in Florida attractions as Alligator World, Alligator Land, Alligator Swamp, Alligator Jungle, Alligator Jamboree, Alligator Rodeo, Alligato Rama and Alligators Out the Wazoo These attractions consisted of alligatorssome of which were clearly deceasedlying motionless in odiferous muck for days at a time But tourists flocked to them anyway, because back then people were a lot stupider than they are today This also explains the popularity of the yo yo The next major event was World War II, during which Florida, once it found out what was going on, was totally on the American side.In 1956, the federal government began work on the Interstate Highway System, an ambitious project intended to realize the dream that someday, thanks to a vast network of safe, well engineered, high speed roads, Americans in formerly isolated communities would be able to get into their cars and, within a matter of hours, stop at a random exit to pee Before long, millions of Americans were using the Interstate system to reach Florida, wherethanks to the modern miracle of air conditioningthey were able to remain indoors until it was time to go home.Florida also got a big economic boost when the federal government decided to locate the space program in Cape Canaveral, which was an ideal location for launching rockets because over the centuries hurricanes had blown away most of the gravity.In the sixties, Floridas population grew rapidly as large numbers of retirees moved down from the north, seeking an affordable place to grow lengthy nose hairs and drive 14 miles an hour in the left lane At the same time waves of Cuban refugees, fleeing the Castro regime, settled in the Miami area and, like so many immigrants before them, set about creating their own foreign policy Also during the sixties, millions of college students flocked to Floridas beach towns each spring to engage in youthful hijinks and pass out in puddles of vomit.Meanwhile, Walt Disney was buying up huge tracts of land near the sleepy Central Florida town of Orlando, but nobody figured out what he was up to because he used the secret code name Balt Bisney Disney World opened on October 1, 1971, drawing 400,000 visitors, many of whom are still trying to remember where they parked Central Florida soon became a major tourism destination boasting many theme attractions, including Movie Galaxy Universe Planet, Wet n Damp, Licensed Merchandise Land, and World of SeaCreatures Delighted to Be Trapped in Tanks SwimmingAround and Around and Around for the Rest of Their Lives Otherwise, nothing much happened in the seventies, unless you count disco, which sucked as much in Florida as it did everywhere else.During the seventies and eighties, Florida grew rapidly and prospered because it had a good climate, low taxes and an energetic economy based on tourism and guys importingnarcotics by the ton Also, ammunition sales were very strong.In the nineties, Florida experienced many important historical events that we are unable to tell you about because for some reason the Wikipedia article stops before then.Today, Floridaonce a quiet backwateris a modern and dynamic state that has totally entered the twenty first century, except during presidential elections, when it reverts to 437 b.c It is a truly exceptional place, as we can see from these Facts About Florida TodayFlorida is the third most populous state.It is actually in second place if you count dead people.More than 1,000 people move to Florida every day.Roughly eight of these people understand the purpose of the turn signal.Floridas government is divided into three branches the executive, the judicial and the criminal.Under Floridas stand your ground law, it is legal toshoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.Although the state supreme court recently ruled that sitting is also OK.Currently, the number one industry in Florida is attorneys on billboards asking if you have been in an accident, followed by tourism, reptile sales and buttocks enhancement.Florida is the worlds largest cruise passenger market, with an average pre buffet weight of 357 pounds per passenger.Florida is home to both the Shuffleboard Hall of Fame and Carrot Top.Also supposedly there are some museums.For years the highest point in Florida was LeBron James, but then he moved back to Cleveland Cleveland, for Gods sake.Florida has two separate rivers named Withlacoo chee, which sounds like a slang term for a sexually transmitted disease.Florida also has a river named Pithlachascotee It issometimes called the Cootie, for short We dont know why, and we dont want to know why.Here are some other actual names of Florida rivers Alapahoochee,Caloosahatchee,Econlockhatchee,Fakahatchee, Ichetucknee and Hontoon Dead.Fort Lauderdale is sometimes called The Venice of America by people who clearly have never been to Venice.In Florida, cockroaches are called Palmetto bugs, because if they hear you call them cockroaches, they will become enraged and destroy your kitchen.Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason They have been drinking.In 2015, the official state tourism marketing corporation, Visit Florida, named as a Florida ambassador, in which capacity he will represent the state Pitbull.Seriously.Mr Bull, a professional rap artist, has authored numerous tunes about having sex, doing drugs, shooting people, selling drugs, having sex on drugs, shooting people over drugs, etc.In other words, he is perfect.The Skunk ApeI set out from Miami driving west on Route 41, the Tamiami Trail, which connects Miami on the east coast of Florida with Tampa on the west At the Miami end, its also known as Calle OchoEighth Streetwhich is considered the heart of Little Havana, the place where the TV news crews go to shoot man in the street video of authentic Cubans drinking authentic Cuban coffee and reacting to whatever is happening in Cuba You can spend a day here and never hear any language but Spanish.I head west on the Trail to Krome Avenue, which is just afew miles from Calle Ocho in linear space but light years away in ambience Across Krome, the world changes, quite suddenly, from city to swamp This is the edge of the Everglades, Miamis vast, wild, weird backyard.For many decades, most peoplemost white people, anyway viewed the Everglades as a waste of space, a bug infested bog to be drained and turned into something useful We now know, of course, that the Everglades are a unique, precious, fragile and irreplaceable wetlands ecosystem But Ill be honest This place has always kind of creeped me out Strange things live out here strange things happen out here.For example On the northwest corner of the Krome Avenue intersection, just inside the swamp, is a three hundred room hotel casino resort operated by the Miccosukee Indian Tribe One day in 2007, police received a report that two men were breaking into cars in the parking lot Police responded and caught one of the men The other ran away and dove into a nearby pond That was a poor decision This particular pond happened to be the residence of a large alligator, known to the resort staff as Poncho The next day divers recovered what was left of the man fifty feet underwater.I know some pretty crazy things have happened in Las Vegas, but I doubt that anybody on a Vegas casino property was ever eaten by an alligator.Poncho is not alone There are a couple of hundred thousand gators in the Everglades, and maybe a billion bullfrogs.There are also panthers out there, and bears, all kinds of birds, and God knows how many snakes, including Burmese pythons just about long enough to be used, if you could straighten them out, for first down measurements.And theres exotic human wildlife in the Everglades There are poachers out there, and smugglers, and other well armed people who seriouslyI mean, seriouslyvalue their privacy There are fugitives hiding for one reason or another, lying lowin a place where its famously easy to disappear There have been hidden commando bases out there where, for decades, various paramilitary groupssome known to the U.S government, some nottrained for secret missions There are stories of Indian burial sites where the ground is littered with artifacts worth a fortune, just lying around for the taking, if you could find them, which you cant.This is an inadequate list of the elements that make the Everglades weird Its safe to say that there are many strange things going on out there that very few people know about, or ever will.So, what with the combination of wildlife and weirdness, I have never viewed the Everglades as a place where I want to hang out I have viewed it as a big flat space to be driven across as quickly as possible, much like Nebraska, but with a funkier aroma When Im crossing the glades, I crank up the car radio and zip along at 70, 80, 90 miles an hour, my only interaction with the unique, precious, fragile and irreplaceable wetlands ecosystem around me coming in the form of flying insects the size of cocker spaniels splatting on my windshield.Praise for Best State Ever.A side splitting read With a guffaw on every page, a wealth of detail and a cocktail of irreverence, you might call Barrys look at Florida a tour de farce But youd be wrong Best State Ever represents a loving and ribald look at a weird and wonderful place Richmond Times Dispatch Whether its the invsive wildlife or the annual snowbird migration, plenty of folks have disparaged Florida over the years But leave it to Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and longtime resident Dave Barry to pen a proper ode Garden and GunPraise for Dave Barry Genuine genius American silliness has long had a champion in Dave Barry He remains, and there is no other word for it, hilarious The New York Times Book Review Dave Barrys latest book of essays is worth every penny when it comes to humor and insight Its wonderful to see that he hasnt stopped writing about our foibles and his somewhat unique perspective on what makes us tick And hes able to do it while invoking out loud laughter Associated Press These latest essays will cause outright, prolonged laughter Kirkus Reviews Despite years of medication, Dave Barry is still the funniest damn writer in the whole country Lets hope he never grows up Carl Hiaasen Dave Barry is truly the funniest man living in the three mile safe zone off the shores of America Steve Martin From the Hardcover edition. State of the Climate National Centers for Environmental Dec , The State is a collection monthly summaries recapping climate related occurrences on both global and national scale Best Ever Chicken Salad How To Feed Loon This Best recipe really perfect go to chicken salad sandwiches or top green You could easily add crumbled bacon, raisins, cashews, even mix in little curry powder mayo Of course, homemade puts this over But again, good quality store bought mayonnaise works perfectly well, too This best explanation gerrymandering you will Gerrymandering drawing political boundaries give your party numeric advantage an opposing difficult process explain If find notion confusing, check out The Sonnets All Time with HyperTexts Sonnet Definition Examples Which poets wrote sonnets ever penned English language Miami Beach Souvenir For Right Price Beach, FL Forget beach towels, ashtrays T shirts Somebody going take home one souvenirs from Latest Celebrity Gossip, News, Entertainment Photos Black Ink Crew s Young Bae Rob son Niko Blue List selling books Wikipedia page provides lists individual book series date any languageBest refers estimated number copies sold each book, rather than printed currently ownedComics textbooks are not included list listed according highest sales estimate as reported reliable, independent sources Morehead University Morehead University offers undergraduate degree programs pre professional programs, graduate We committed academic excellence student success Eastern Penitentiary Historic Site Eastern was once most famous expensive prison world, but stands today ruin, haunting world crumbling cellblocks empty guard towers Its vaulted, sky lit cells held many Americas notoriuous criminals Sponsors Terrorism US Department State Countries determined by Secretary have repeatedly provided support acts international terrorism designated pursuant three laws section j Export Administration Act, Arms Control A Foreign Assistance Act SanDisk SSD PLUS GB Solid Drive Buy SDSSDA G Internal Drives FREE DELIVERY possible eligible purchases Stasi Ministry Security German Ministerium fr Staatssicherheit, MfS Service Staatssicherheitsdienst, commonly known Stasi IPA ta zi official state security service Democratic Republic East Germany It has been described effective repressive intelligence secret police agencies Ranking USA States From Worst Jul Ranking all states worst Arizona inevitable answer question that starts with, Where do those nice retired people we met river cruise live AZ FORD TRANSIT Next Previous explainIf Minimum System Requirements Dashboard Microsoft Windows application Seeing how ve already danced rankings involving food drink beer, thought it time use American clicheDave Barry, humor columnist author Insane City Dave Barry City remains funniest writers alive Carl Hiaasen While reading Big Trouble, I laughed so loud fell chairLuckily, there rug, didn t hurt myself David McAlister born July who nationally syndicated column Herald He also written numerous parody, well comic novelsBarry honors include Pulitzer Prize Commentary Walter Cronkite Award Excellence Journalism Recent Columns Barry Classic Great turkeys classic originally published Nov Thanksgiving traditions, no tradition meaningful annual Agriculture warning about fatal dwelling bacteria Living Blogs Herald Read living columns opinions favorite local columnists Miami, FL, South Florida area, MiamiHerald Greatest Hits Books shipping qualifying When loose, safe What did men movement his Complete Guide Guys foreign relations when he Japan now does everything America rapacious observer Tupperware ladies leisure concept salesmen sounds off funny human San Francisco Examiner thousands years journey into my colon yours Feb OK turned know re supposed get colonoscopy haven Learns Everything Need Know time So read Fifty Shades Grey female British E L James became huge bestseller, devoured pretty much every woman Earth except wife Hilarious Short Quotes Exhausted Parents Hilarious Parents antidote stressed new parents short quotes Being parent baby can quickly sap strength keep wandering aimlessly land enough sleep Barry Bonds Lamar former baseball left fielder played seasons Major League Baseball MLB Pittsburgh Pirates Giants received seven NL MVP awards Star selections, considered be greatest players regarded exceptional hitter led Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

 

    • Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland
    • 3.4
    • 265
    • Format Kindle
    • 230 pages
    • Dave Barry
    • Anglais
    • 04 March 2016

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