→ Format Kindle @The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport ↏ Kindle Ebook By Carl Hiaasen ❎

→ Format Kindle @The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport ↏ Kindle Ebook By Carl Hiaasen ❎ → Format Kindle @The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport ↏ Kindle Ebook By Carl Hiaasen ❎ In the summer of 2005, I returned to golf after a much needed layoff of thirty two years.Attempting a comeback in my fifties wouldnt have been so absurd if Id been a decent player when I was young, but unfortunately that wasnt the case At my best, Id shown occasional flashes of competence At my worst, Id been a menace to all carbon based life forms on the golf course.On the day I gave up golfing, I stood six feet even, weighed a stringy 145 pounds and was in relatively sound physical shape When I returned to the game, I was half an inch taller, twenty one pounds heavier and nagged by the following age related ailments elevated cholesterol a bone spur deep in the right rotator cuff an aching right hip a permanently weakened right knee, due to a badly torn medial meniscus that was scraped and repaired in February 2003 by the same orthopedic surgeon whod once worked on a young professional quarterback named Dan Marino The doctor had assured me that my injury was no worse than Marinos, then hed added with a hearty chuckle, But youre also not twenty two years old Other factors besides my knee joint and HDL had changed during my long absence When Id abandoned golf in 1973, I had been a happily married father of a two year old son When I returned to the sport in 2005, I was a happily remarried father of a five year old son, a fourteen year old stepson and a thirty four year old son with three kids of his own In other words, I was a grandpa.Over those three busy and productive decades, a normal, well centered person would have mellowed in the loving glow of the family hearth Not me I was just as restless, consumed, unreflective, fatalistic and emotionally unequipped to play golf in my fifties as I was in my teens.What possesses a man to return in midlife to a game at which hed never excelled in his prime, and which in fact had dealt him mostly failure, angst and exasperation Heres why I did it Im one sick bastard.The Last WaltzMy first taste of golf was as a shag caddy for my father He often practiced hitting wedges in our front yard, and Id put on my baseball glove and play outfield.Dad seemed genuinely happy when I finally asked to take golf lessons I was perhaps eleven or twelve, too young to realize that my disposition was ill suited to a recreation that requires infinite patience and eternal optimism.The club pro was Harold Perry, a pleasant fellow and a solid teacher He said I had a natural swing, which, Ive since learned, is what pros always say at your first lesson Its merciful than Youd have a brighter future chopping cane.The early sessions did seem to go well, and Harold was en couraging As time passed, however, he began chain smoking heavily during our lessons, which suggested to me the existence of a chronic problem for which Harold had no solution The problem was largely in my head, and fell under the clinical heading of Wildly Unrealistic Expectations.My first major mistake was prematurely asking to join my father for nine holes, a brisk Sunday outing during which I unraveled like a crackhead at a Billy Graham crusade This was because Id foolishly expected to advance the golf ball down the fairway in a linear path The experience was marred by angry tears, muffled profanities and long, brittle periods of silence Worse, a pattern was established that would continue throughout the years that Dad and I played together.Golfers like maxims, and heres a good one Beginners should never be paired with good players, especially if the good player is ones own father.The harder I tried, the uglier it got To say that I didnt bear my pain stoically is an understatement Dad suffered along with me and so did his golf game, which added to my sullen mood an oppressive layer of guilt.There were rare sunbursts of hope when I managed to hit a decent shot or sink a putt, but usually a pall of Nordic gloom followed us around the links My father was a saint for tolerating my tantrums and sulking He never once ditched me whenever I asked to tag along on his regular weekend game, hed say yes despite knowing what histrionics lay ahead As I grew taller he generously bought me a set of Ben Hogans, which were so gorgeous that at first I was reluctant to throw them.Interestingly, I have no recollection of my father and me completing a round of golf, with the exception of a father son charity event and the only reason I didnt flee on the back nine was that I wasnt sure how to get back to the clubhouse I cant recall our final score, probably for the same reason that victims of serious traffic accidents often cannot remember getting in the car Trauma wipes clean the memory banks.In high school some of my friends took up golf, and occasionally I joined them on weekends Surrounded by retirement developments, the Lauderdale Lakes course was a scraggly, unkempt layout that was chosen by us for its dirt cheap, all day green fees Despite the trampled fairways and corrugated greens, I actually started enjoying myselfthe mood was loose and raunchy, and it was uplifting to discover that my friends stroked the ball as erratically as I did We were the youngest players on that course by half a century, a disparity that every round precipitated one or two prickly confrontations with foursomes who were less agile and alert That, of course, only added to the sportive atmosphere.Occasionally we also played a chaotic par 3 layout, upon which I once bladed a 9 iron dead into the cup for an ace It was a feat that I never replicated My name misspelled, naturally was etched into a hokey hole in one plaque that was hung among literally hundreds of others in the funky little clubhouse.My father was undoubtedly relieved that Id found other golfing companions, freeing him to resume his regular Sunday rounds in peace Unfortunately, bursitis was making it increasingly difficult for him to swing a club, and by the time I left for college he was playing infrequently, and in pain.During my first semester at Emory University I got married and soon thereafter became a father, so for a time I was too preoccupiedand too brokefor golf.In the summer of 1972 I entered the journalism college at the University of Florida in Gainesville, where I reconnected with my high school buddies The university maintains a top notch par 72 that was in those days open to students for 2.50 It was there I broke 90 for the first and only time before giving up the game.I was walking eighteen in a group that included a good friend, Al Simmens He was hitting the ball well but I was all over the map, scrambling for bogeys and doubles In the midst of butchering a long par 4, I improbably holed out a full 7 iron for a birdie Exclamations of amused wonder arose from Big Al and the others Then, supernaturally, two holes later I knocked in a 9 iron from about 110 yards.This time Al keeled over as if felled by a sniper Once before Id seen him collapse like that on a golf course It had happened when he was kneecapped by a drive struck by Larry Robinson, a member of our own foursomethe most astoundingly bad tee shot that Ive ever witnessed, to this day Al had been next up, standing dead even with Larry and seemingly safe, when Larrys abominably mishit ball shot off the tee at a 90 degree angle and smashed into Als right leg The impact sounded like a Willie McCovey home run Incredibly, Al was upright within minutes, and resumed playing with only a slight limp.But after my second hole out on that morning in Gainesville, he lay lifeless in the fairway with a glassy expression that called to mind Queequeg, the Pacific Island cannibal in Moby Dick, whod lapsed into a grave trance upon seeing his fate in a throw of the bones Eventually Al arose and rejoined our group, but he was rocky.I completed the round with no further heroics yet I walked off the 18th green with an 88, my best score ever That was in the summer of 1973, and by the end of the year I was done The Hogans sat in a closet, gathering dust.Richard Nixon was hunkered like a meth crazed badger in the White House, Hank Aaron was one dinger shy of Babe Ruths all time home run record, and The Who had just released Quadrophenia.At age twenty, I was or less at peace.Toad GolfMy divorce from golf was uncomplicated and amic able When I came home from college on visits, my father and I would spend Sunday afternoons watching the PGA on television Dad had always asserted that Sam Snead was the greatest player of all time, but he was gradually coming around to the possibility that Jack Nicklaus was something special.Then, in February 1976, my father died suddenly at the outrageously unfair age of fifty, a tragedy that extinguished any lingering whim I might have had to tackle golf again with serious intent Apparently I played a round later that year with a friend, although my memory of it is fogged.Possibly I ve blocked out other rounds, too My brother, Rob, says that he and I golfed together one time not long after Dad passed away It wasn t good, he tells me.The next time I recall swinging a club wasn t in any conventional, or socially acceptable, format.It occurred one night that same year, when my best friend and fishing companion, Bob Branham, called to report a disturbing infestation The culprit was Bufo marinus, a large and brazen type of toad that had invaded South Florida from Central America and proliferated rapidly, all but exterminating the docile native species The Bufo grows to two pounds and eats anything that fits in its maw, including small birds and mice When threatened, it excretes from two glands behind its eyes a milky toxin extremely dangerous to mammals Adventuresome human substance abusers have claimed that licking Bufo toads produces psychedelic visions, but the practice is often fatal for dogs and cats.Which is why Bob had called Every evening a brigade of Bufos had been appearing outside his back door and gobbling all the food he d put out for Dixie, his young Labrador retriever It s probably unnecessary to point out that while Labradors possess a cheery and endearing temperament, they are not Mensa candidates in the kingdom of canines In fact, Labs will eagerly eat, lick or gnaw objects far disgusting than a sweaty toad For that reason, Bob expressed what I felt was a well founded fear that his beloved pet was in peril during these nightly Bufo encounters.When I arrived at his house, the onslaught was in progress A herd of medium sized toads hungrily patrolled the perimeter of his patio, while one exceptionally rotund specimen had vaulted into Dixie s dish and engulfed so much dog chow that it was unable to climb out It looked like a mud quiche with eyeballs.As kids, Bob and I had roamed the Everglades collecting wild critters, so neither of us wanted to harm the Bufos Yet there seemed no choice but to remove them quickly and by force, before his dopey dog slurped one like a Popsicle.Ballasted with Alpo, the toads would have been easy to capture by hand That, however, would have presented two serious problems One was the poison the other was pee Toads are prodigious pissers, and Bufos in particular own hair trigger bladders The instant you pick one up, the hosing commences and does not cease until you drop it.Bob and I were discussing our limited and unsavory options when I noticed a golf bag in a corner near the back door We had a brief conversation about which of his neighbors was the most obnoxious, and then I reached for a 9 iron Bob chose a 7.Before the PETA rally begins, let me point out that an adult Bufo toad is one of God s sturdiest creatures Bob swears he once saw one get run over by a compact car and then hop away I have my doubts, but in any case we purposely picked lofted clubs to effect a kinder, gentler relocation.Aerodynamically, your average toad travels through the air with substantially drag than a golf ball This is because golf balls are usually round, and legless A toad won t carry as far, or roll than once or twice when it lands Nonetheless, I soon found the range with Bob s 9 iron, chipping several beefy Bufos onto a window awning two houses away Even at that distance we could hear the feisty invaders clomping across the flimsy aluminum before free falling into the backyard of their new, unsuspecting hosts.Purists probably wouldn t consider clandestine toad launching as true golf, but for accuracy s sake it must be reported that I took five or six swings with an iron that night The next time I touched a club was in August 1977, while vacationing in Asheville, North Carolina The trip stands out for two reasons Elvis Presley died that week, and I got my first and last taste of genuine mountain moonshine However, I was neither grief stricken nor bombed when I accompanied a friend to a municipal driving range, which using borrowed clubs I chopped into wet clots of flying sod.During self imposed retirement I continued to follow the professional tour as a fan, and in 1978 I even attended what was then called the Jackie Gleason Inverrary Classic in Lauderhill On the afternoon that I was in the gallery, Nicklaus ran off five consecutive birdies on his way to dusting the field His performance was so otherwordly that it validated my decision to abandon the game the only way I belonged on a golf course was as a spectator.Then, in November 2002, another slip occurred, and it ultimately set me on the cart path to perdition From the Hardcover edition.An extraordinary book for the ordinary hacker The New York Times With biting humor and painfully honest self humiliation, Hiaasen describes his 1 1 2 year journey into one of Dante s inner circles of hell The Christian Science MonitorA cleverly written, witty and sometimes wistful look at golf, marriage, human nature and life The Tampa TribuneHiaasen s hilarious misadventures on the golf course are all too familiar to anyone who has ever flailed at the ball in futile attempts to conquer a sport that mercilessly strips us of our dignity The New York Times Book ReviewThe foibles and embarrassments, as well as the joys, of casual and tournament golf ring true.Golfers should love this book Rocky Mountain NewsMemoir is new territory for him, but Hiaasen is Hiaasen Fans of his bizarro novels will find his irony and sense of humor remain unaffected on the links The Florida Times UnionA return by Hiaasen to his best with the sport of golf providing the venue for his unique wit and biting humor Youll have many laugh out loud moments If youve never read Carl Hiaasen if you have read him before, this is a wonderful return to the magic albeit voodoo that is Carl Hiaasen Decatur Daily Hiaasens insights into the insane lengths a golfer will go to in hopes of a lower score are always entertaining If youve been bitten by the golf bug, youll appreciate every moment of Hiaasens magnificent obsession If you havent, read The Downhill Lie and laugh at those of us who have.Howard Shirley, BookpageGolfers in general tend to be self critical, but Mr Hiaasen is a self lacerator He doesnt curse or throw his clubs, but he sighs a lot and asks existential questions like, Why do we do this and Why are we out here He plays the way you imagine Samuel Beckett might have played He cant go on, but he goes on.Charles McGrath, New York TimesHis analysis of his lessons, hapless rounds and gimmicky golf equipment is hilarious, and his vivid descriptions are vintage Hiaasen With the satirically skilled Hiaasen, who rarely breaks 90 on the links, this narrative is an enjoyable ride Publishers Weekly It has taken Carl Hiaasen to capture the essence of a game that, like the bagpipes and the kilt, was invented by the Irish and given to the Scots as a joke Carl s dementia is kind of exquisite He lampoons the most banal aspects of stodgy blue blooded American country club life The simple act of buying a set of clubs gets the full Hiaasen treatment, and the guilt ridden angst of the triangular love hate relationship between himself, his drop dead beautiful Greek wife, and the drop dead you rotten bastard Scotty Cameron putter she bought him, is alone worth the price of one for yourself and another for Father s Day.David Feherty The Downhill Lie A Hacker s Return to a Ruinous Sport The Carl Hiaasen on FREE shipping qualifying offers Filled with harrowing divots, deadly doglegs, and excruciating sandtraps, bThe b iis hilarious chronicle of mis adventure ithat will have you rolling laughter Sport by is great memoir about this fantastic author golf life In , journey the game started in Florida Mike Lupica, David Feherety, Mark Leibo help his outings Kindle Edition If are looking for Christmas present golfers your list, perfect gift takes same skills he uses write zany mysteries produce hysterical look at return golfing after year hiatus Hiaasen About that Bestselling wisely quit Mastering Golf Shot My Tutor For these downhill lie shots, placing ball middle stance good start placed too far up, it be harder get sternum front ball, consequently catch first Check out video learn how can hit shot Tough Guy Gets May Who wants prey Father Day hucksterism Mr pretty little pink green item golfers, Even writer as endearing Hiaasen, old guy sports an iffy proposition Summary reviews sheer entertainment, very read fame fans may drive demand Library OverDrive Rakuten Yet bittersweet memories playing own father glow feels when watching young son belt down fairway also touch heart Forget Tiger, Phil Ernie want understand true lure golf, turn who extraordinary audiobook ordinary hacker Dave Pelz How lies golf Make heads up play from Dave Thursday, September Pelz, one foremost short putting instructors schools clinics across US Click here find information Carl Official Web Site Books Grownups Assume Worst Razor Girl Wikipedia h n born March American writerA long time columnist Miami Herald, has written than novels which generally classified humorous crime fiction often feature themes environmentalism political corruption was raised Florida, where still lives family graduate University age joined Herald general assignment reporter went work newspaper weekly magazine prize winning investigations team Author Hoot After graduating Columnist Herald Evangelical leaders were silent There strange, sluggish response some evangelical leaders, whose notion biblical mercy shines less brightly IMDb Writer Striptease graduated School Journalism He many books, including Tourist Season, Double Whammy Striptease, all mystery books take place south between writing writes regular column tribute brother Rob, killed Capital brother, Rob editor Gazette shooting Maryland CarlHiaasen Twitter latest Tweets miamiherald, aaknopf randomhousekids HachetteUS VintageBooks Book Series Order Complete order Publication Order Chronological remembers Annapolis Jun Best selling remembered Facebook post Annapolis, Maryland, newsroom Books, eBooks, Audiobooks, Biography Barnes His comical satirical inspired movie Strip Tease With distinct sense humor flare unusual, Hiassen dissected psyche South several wickedly funny both kids adults Books Hoot Goodreads Goodreads ratings most popular book Home Facebook likes talking official page Find columns Hoot Paperback Noble CARL HIAASEN bestselling Bad Monkey, Star Island, Nautre younger readers include Newbery Honor winner Hoot, well Flush, Scat, ChompSkink No Surrender teens features iconic characters, native said Biography The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport


    • The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport
    • 4.4
    • 687
    • Format Kindle
    • 224 pages
    • 0307280454
    • Carl Hiaasen
    • Anglais
    • 24 July 2016

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