UNCATEGORIES

ॉ ↓ How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It online ड़ By Steven Stosny Ph.d ঔ

ॉ  ↓ How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It online ड़ By Steven Stosny Ph.d ঔ ॉ ↓ How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It online ड़ By Steven Stosny Ph.d ঔ ONEHow We Break The Connection Fear and ShameThings werent always so bad for Marlene and Mark At one time they cherished the closeness they feltall their friends used to marvel at how close and connected they were They can still vividly recall the good times, but instead of comforting them, these memories of the closeness they once had now fill them with sadness and a deep sense of loss They often wonder how they got to this lonely state Their story is all the sad because it is so common.Marlene and Mark arrived at their chronic state of disconnection without either of them doing anything wrong Marlene has never grasped that Mark, like most men, has a heightened sensitivity to feeling shame and inadequacy How could she His impulse when he feels shame is to hide, so he cant tell her about it Instead, he disguises it with annoyance, impatience, or anger She does not understand that each time she tries to make improvements in their relationship, the overriding message Mark hears is that he is not meeting her expectationshes failing herwhich sends him into the pain of his own inadequacy While trying to ward off feeling like a failure, Mark is no longer sensitive to Marlenes fear of being isolated and shut out In the beginning of their relationship, he sensed her need for connection and wouldn t have dreamed of shutting her out But now he has no idea that each time he rejects her overtures or raises his voice in angerpurely to protect himselfhes pushing her further away and deeper into the pain of isolation.Its so easy for couples to slip into this pattern, because the different vulnerabilities that so greatly influence the way men and women interact with each other are virtually invisible In the beginning of the relationship, the fallinginlove chemicals our brains secrete make it easy to focus on each others subtle emotions But once the effects of those chemicals wear offwithin three to nine monthswe need to make a conscious effort to protect each others vulnerabilities To do this, we first need to understand the different vulnerabilities of men and women and how we manage them in our relationships.How Were Different Fear and PainThe differences that underlie male and female vulnerabilities are biological and present at birth Baby girls, from day one, are sensitive to isolation and lack of contact No doubt this sensitivity evolved as an important survival skill designed to keep the female in contact not only with her offspring but also with others in the group who would offer her protection In the days of roaming predators, the only hope of survival was to help one another ward off an enemy A woman or child left alone was sure prey So over the millennia, females developed a kind of internal GPS that keeps them aware of closeness and distance in all their relationships When a woman feels close, she can relax when she feels distant, she gets anxious This is why a baby girl can hold your gaze for a long period of time She is comforted by the closeness the eyetoeye contact provides It also explains why, left alone for the same period of time, a girl baby will fuss and complain before a boy baby This heightened sensitivity to isolation makes females react strongly to another persons anger, withdrawal, silence, or other sign of unavailability It is frightening to her to be out of contact than it is for a male This is not to say that males prefer isolation or distance it s just that females feel discomfort when they are not in contact.Men have a hard time understanding a womans fear and the pain associated with it One reason is that a womans fear provokes shame in a man You shouldn t be afraid with me as your protector This is why he gets angry when she gets anxious or upset But theres another reason men just dont get womens fear They dont know what it feels like Research shows the single biggest sex difference in emotions is in the frequency and intensity of fearhow often you get afraid and how afraid you get Girls and women both experience and express far fear, as measured in social contexts and in laboratory experiments that induce fear Newborn girls are easily frightened than boys Girls and women are likely to feel fear in response to loud noises and sudden changes in the environment They have anxiety and worry a lot than boys and men Women have a markedly higher fear of crime, even though they are far less often the victims of it They are likely to think about the harmful consequences of their behavior, which helps them avoid most risky behavior They suffer phobias and greatly exceed men in fear of medical and dental care The fact that they go to doctors and dentists often may be a tribute to their courage ability to overcome fear or a result of their general sensitivity to anxiety and worry, which could make them fear the consequences of not going even .Another reason that females have fear of harm may be that they feel pain The scientific data suggest that women suffer quite a bit physical pain than males, not counting childbirth As early as two weeks old, girls cry louder and vigorously than boys in response to mild pain stimulus The higher anxiety levels of females only ratchet up their sensitivity to pain Around 90 percent of chronic pain disorders afflict women Men have a hard time empathizing with the pain and fear of their wives, both because they re conditioned from toddlerhood to suck it up, and because it doesnt hurt them as much How Were Different Hyperarousal and ShameAlthough boy babies feel less fear and pain than girls, they have a heightened sensitivity to any type of abrupt stimulation, which gives them a propensity for hyperarousal, that is, hairtrigger reactions Male infants startle five times often than female infants and are provoked by a much lower stimulusa loud stomach gurgle will do it You can observe this difference if you visit a neonatal nursery in a hospital A males hairtrigger propensity for hyperarousal has a distinct survival advantage Due to his greater strength and muscle mass, the male is better equipped than the female to fight off predators Since the primary predators of early humans stalked and attacked stealthily, males needed to respond with fightorflight behavior in a fraction of a second.Because of their high sensitivity to arousal, newborn boys have to guard against the discomfort of overstimulation This is why boy babies have to take eye contact and other intimate contact in small doses If you have a boy and a girl, you may have noticed this difference Your baby girl was able to hold eye contact almost as soon as you brought her home from the hospital You could gaze into her big eyes she widens them to draw in your gaze for hours on end But your little boy was less likely to hold that kind of eye contact before six to nine months of age, if at all When you looked deeply into his eyes, he probably looked down, then back at your eyes, then up, then back at your eyes, then down the other side, then back at your eyes, then up the other side, then back at your eyes He was interested in youor he wouldnt have kept looking backand he certainly wasnt afraid of you His intermittent attention was his way of staying in contact with you without becoming overwhelmed Its important to note that this is a function of his sensitivity to arousal, not his ability to focus, as many parents mistakenly infer Boy babies can focus on you if you do not look directly into their eyes, and they have no trouble focusing on inanimate objects.When it comes to relationships, women often mistake this guarded response, which many males retain throughout life, for lack of interest or even loss of love Most of the time, he hasnt lost interest hes merely trying to avoid the overwhelming discomfort of a cortisol dump that comes with hyperarousal Cortisol is a hormone secreted during certain negative emotions Its job is to get your attention by making you uncomfortable so that your discomfort drives you to do something to make the situation better The pain a woman feels when her man shouts at her is caused by the sudden release of cortisol A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted with her unhappiness or criticism He may look like he is avoiding her, but he is essentially trying to avoid a cortisol hangover for the next several hours.So how does the male propensity for hyperarousal translate into hypersensitivity to shame First of all, boys and girls both experience shame, which is a stopandhide response The root meaning of the word shame is to cover or conceal When youre embarrassed you want to crawl into a hole, and a child feeling shame wants to cover his face because he cant bear to look at you If you are playing with a boy or girl infant and you suddenly break eye contact and turn away, he or she will experience the physical displays of shame reddened face, contorted facial expressions, writhing muscles, and other signs of general distress, especially if he she was i nterested in or enjoying the eye contact In this way, shame is an auxiliary of interest and enjoymentbabies have to be interested in something or feel enjoyment to experience shame when it stops abruptly We learn to label this abrupt drop in interest or enjoyment as rejection, which is what you feel when your interesting phone conversation with a friend is abruptly interrupted by his callwaiting Because little girls are comfortable with longer periods of eye contact, caregivers tend to stay engaged and break contact with them less often, meaning little girls experience the shame response associated with abrupt disconnection far less often On the other hand, if parents or caregivers dont understand a little boys need for smaller doses of eye contact, they will break the intimate contact abruptly when the little boy looks away, constantly reinforcing the shame response, which is amplified by the extra kick of cortisol that the response produces Males who experience this over and over develop a hypersensitivity to shame Studies show that parents gaze into the eyes of their little girls and talk sweetly to them while doing it 50 percent than they look into the eyes of their little boys With their sons they laugh and make nonverbal utterances, wave toys in front of them, tickle them, or pick them up to shake and roughhouse with them Both kinds of play are of high qualitychildren and parents enjoy them immensely But they are qualitatively different Little boys need the intimate contactalbeit in small dosesjust as much as they need the active play Little girls need active play as much as they need intimate contact.Intimacy is riskier for little boys when they have consistently felt shame in conjunction with iti f I like it too much, the boys learn, theyll take it away, because I dont do it right From the very beginning, many little boys don t feel like they can measure up in intimate relationships Little girls can hold eye contact, while little boys are easily overwhelmed and have to look away The eyecontact gap is especially sad because eye contact is our principal source of intimacy throughout our lives Boys and men are deprived of the very intimacy that would help them overcome their vulnerability to shame If you have a baby boy, you must understand that he likes eye contact, but you have to be patient with him and not start tickling him when he looks away from you The best thing you can do for your infant son to help him manage shame in the future is allow him to feel the comfort of eye contact gradually, at his pace Keep looking at him, and you should notice that he will stay focused on your eyes for longer and longer periods Just being sensitive to the invisible differences in male and female vulnerabilities can shift your perception and deepen your connectionwithout talking about it.How We Avoid Fear and ShameMost of the time a woman s fear and a mans shame are unconsciousoutside awareness You can live a lifetime without ever hearing a man say, I feel ashamed when you get scared of my driving or a woman say, I want that Gucci bag to keep my fear of deprivation at bay Instead you will see the tipoff indicators of fear and shame resentment and anger blaming your shame or fear on someone else materialism providing illusions of status for a man and security for a woman people pleasing doing things detrimental to the self to gain the admiration or approval of others obsessions thoughts you can t get out of your mind and compulsive behavior like impulsive shopping, overeating, and binge drinking All the above have temporary painrelieving effects that work for both shame and fear.It is not our innate differences in fear and shame that drive us apart it is how we manage the differences If you manage them with criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or blame, your relationship will fail its as simple as that If you manage them with the inspiration to improve, appreciate, connect, or protectas you ll learn to do in this bookyour relationship will flourish But it will take conscious attention for a while to overcome the force of habits that began forming very early in your life.From early childhood, girls avoid fear by building alliances and forging emotional bondsthere is comfort and strength in numbers Without thinking about it, Marlene reacted to her unconscious fear of isolation by seeking closeness from Mark and her friends This predominant female coping mechanism is called tend and befriend Women respond to stressful situations by protecting themselves and their young through nurturing behaviorsthe tend part of the modeland forming alliances with others, particularly womenthe befriend part Women bond around helping one another through troubled times The they talk about their troubles, the closer they feel.Because emotional bonds serve as a woman s primary source of comfort, it appalls women when men try to cope with stress in ways that seem to threaten emotional bonds, for example distraction work, TV, computer, hobbies status seeking work, sports, acquiring expensive toys emotional shutdown if you feel nothing, you wont feel inadequate anger if you numb the pain you wont feel it and aggression if you exert power and control, you wont feel the powerlessness of failure and inadequacy.What women have an even harder time understanding is this For the average male, relationships are not a reliable source of comfort A mans greatest pain comes from shame, due to the inadequacy he feels in relationships therefore, going to the relationship for comfort is like seeking solace from the enemy Talking about the relationship, which is guaranteed to remind him of his inadequacy, is the last method he would use for comfort, in the same category as choosing a bed of nails for a good nights sleep This is why he often goes to a fightorflight response to ease his distress and not to a hearttoheart talk with the woman in his life Fight or flight is the male equivalent of tend and befriend From the Hardcover edition.If you ve ever told your spouse, I talk until I m blue in the face, or It s in one ear and out the other, stop whatever you re doing and read this book immediately You re about to discover why talking things out isn t always the best way to get through to your spouse or achieve closeness and connection More important, you ll learn exactly what you need to dotoday to truly transform your relationship forever Michele Weiner Davis, MSW, founder of divorcebusting.com and author of Divorce Busting and The Sex Starved Marriage Ways to Improve Yourself wikiHow Oct , Receiving feedback about what improve upon helps individuals performance on tasks, and enhances goal achievement Thus, asking others ways you can will help develop specific goals motivate your journey Improve Synonyms, Antonyms Thesaurus This is said greatly their consistence flavour remove the acidity, bread in lightness A very good thing, at least, for country, breed of cattle Practical To Lifehack Bad Habits You Need Quit Right Away Proven Make New Stick Quick Time Management Tips Super Boost Your Productivity Stop Procrastination Trending Lifestyle How Improve How IHI uses Model Improvement as framework guide improvement work The Improvement, developed by Associates Process a simple, yet powerful tool accelerating model not meant replace change models that organizations may already be using, but rather accelerate Memory with Examples Jul In this Article Summary Help Using Mnemonic Devices Mindful Approaches Trying Tricks Improving Community QA There no such thing bad memory, anyone long are suffering from memory loss medical condition Improv Where Comedy Begins Improv Shows Ontario Sun Nov Deray Davis Thu Shang Forbes Fri Dec Christopher Titus Craig Shoemaker Lovemaster Chris Kattan From Hit NBC Show Saturday Night Live Wed Ray Grady Kevin Millard Deon Cole TBS Angie Tribeca Writing Skills Escape Content writing skills, start mastering different mini skills Learning write like learning cook chef needs learn chopping, sauting, roasting, grilling Simple Steps English Reading Get Better Understanding It s easier read than think Here, we discuss how using staircases scaffolding When house built, it doesn t all get done same time Home HouseLogic truly becomes own when sign deed, after customize unique lifestyle Our home tips rock those upcoming remodeling yard projects Compassion Power Anger, Resentment, Emotional Abuse Dr Stosny Articles Oprah O Magazine Forget everything ve heard relationships Read More Steven Stosny, PhD Psychology Today Steven founder CompassionPower suburban Washington, DC most recent books Empowered Love Soar Above Treating Attachment Abuse Compassionate Approach Treating FREE shipping qualifying offers abuse involve both physical emotional violence between people close Living Loving After Betrayal Betrayal By Linda Doug December Healing Infidelity Recently book had been brought our attention authored Anger ADHD Marriage Submitted MelissaOrlov Resources Those who wish broader introduction knowledge anger go his website link sentence While purpose promote courses, he writes well effect health Tantor Media PhD PhD, CompassionPower, successful regulation program has directed twenty years addition, treated six thousand through organization About Us renowned author media consultant relationships, anger, abuse, grew up violent He learned healing power compassion abused mother Living Heal The Most Important Skill Turning Toddler into Thrive Global welcomes voices many spheres We publish pieces written outside contributors wide range Wikipedia several improving taught University Author Bio Psychotherapy Networker director Compassion Don Have Take Any Turn Resentful, Angry or Emotionally Abusive Relationship Compassionate, One Without Hurt Who Coach Audiobooks Audible Download Audiobooks device Audible provides highest quality audio narration first Free trial Google Play Director Outreach Service, which serves clients around DC, received doctorate clinical social Maryland Balti perpetrators victims various forms attachment books, articles, chapters Try Prime Books Go Marriage Marriage process two make relationship public, official, permanent joining bond putatively lasts until death, practice Grief Coping losing loved one life great difficulties If have experienced pain mourning, know any way ease welcomed Healing Rebuild an Affair bestselling expert, Michele Weiner Davis, comes blueprint helping couples rebuild trust mend marriages following discovery affair forgiveness beyond Avoid An Never Ignore problems Someone problem controlling huge red flag According expert abusive partners tend anxious temperament partner gets angry other drop hat, probably they do Self Being Kind original doable Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi important Following its advice free readers chains self criticism them wings encouragement How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 

    • How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
    • 4.5
    • 875
    • Format Kindle
    • 242 pages
    • Steven Stosny Ph.d
    • Anglais
    • 09 April 2017

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *