ᥦ ᗟ You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships text ᗟ You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships ᦌ ePUB Author Deborah Tannen ᦴ

ᥦ  ᗟ You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships text ᗟ You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships  ᦌ ePUB Author Deborah Tannen ᦴ ᥦ ᗟ You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships text ᗟ You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships ᦌ ePUB Author Deborah Tannen ᦴ chapter 1Women Friends TalkingKathryn and Lily, friends for over sixty years, hadnt seen each other in several weeks They both felt this was too long, so they arranged to get together When Kathryn arrived at Lilys home, they sat down and talked And talked And talked They didnt stop, and they didnt get up, until two and a half hours had passed They talked about books they were reading, their significant others, politics, movies, their children, their childrens children, and how their bodies and their living situations were changing with age Later, they exchanged emails Lily wrote, That was a wonderful and soul lifting visit, my dearest old friend Will let you know about the movie Kathryn replied, I felt the same way about our time together Her email ended, Let me know about the movie, and if we go to the other one I will let you know about that Take care, dear friend.Andrea recalls that she and her best friend in middle school, Joelle, walked home together every day They could take a bus, but they usually chose to walk instead so they would have time to talk At one point, there was a chance that Joelles family would move to another state The prospect of losing her friend filled Andrea with dread I wont be able to live without her, she felt If she moves, how will I survive That feeling is usually associated with a life partner or parent But a connection to a friend can be that strong, too A deep sense of loss can result when a friendship ends As with a romantic partner, losing a friend means losing a language No one else can understand the particular meanings of words that you shared, the references that made you laugh or nod in understanding That loss is a testament to the power of conversationof talkto create a connection, a shared world.If a friend who is part of your daily life moves away, a hole is left that is palpable every day Paula and her neighbor Nancy became fast friends by running together every morning before work When Paula stepped out to pick up the paper in the morning, she faced Nancys house During the winter months when days were shorter and mornings still dark, seeing the light in Nancys kitchen made her smile It filled her with warmth to know that her friend was up, too, also preparing coffee and breakfast Then Nancy and her family moved Paula felt forlorn She wasnt motivated to run before work if Nancy wasnt going with her To her surprise, she found herself regarding the woman who bought Nancys house as an interloper Now if Paula steps out to get the paper and spies a light in the kitchen across the way, though she knows it makes no sense, she feels resentment toward the woman who is moving around in Nancys kitchen.A friendjust one single friendchanged the life of a girl named Maya At eleven, Maya had never had a friend Though she badly wanted one, she simply did not know how to relate to other children As her much older sister, Chana Joffe Walt, explained on the radio show This American Life, Maya had many of the traits associated with the autism spectrum sensitivity to touch, lack of eye contact, obsessive and intense interest in one topic, and difficulty with social emotional reciprocity, what many of us call conversation Having struggled her entire young life, Maya had amassed a team of therapists and a series of diagnoses that all seemed to take her most obvious character trait and add the word disorder to it Despite the efforts of these experts, Maya stopped asking for playdates altogether She stopped reading She stopped smiling, and sleeping And she was on edge all the time, especially at school A kid would take her pencil or brush up against her at the bus stop, and Maya would blow up She had to be physically restrained She broke a window She was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder She got hospitalized for a brief period.Then the miracle happened Maya went to a horse camp, race horses being her obsession And there she met Charlotte, who became her friend Charlotte and Maya had playdates They laughed together They had sleepovers Until then, children had kept their distance from Maya But Charlotte told her mother, Maya is perfect Mayas life changed so dramatically that her family referred to BC and AC, life Before Charlotte and After Charlotte Maya herself explained that through Charlotte she learned how to relate to other people Be flexible Not just talk about what you want to talk about all the time Do other stuff that your friend wants After two years of their friendship, Maya at thirteen feels the feelings that come when youre a girl and you have a friend who makes you laugh, and thinks about you when youre apart, and gets you Maya was transformed She no longer regularly gets in trouble at school She now does her homework and washes her hair without a struggle She has not had one violent incident AC She makes eye contact sometimes She asks, How are you sometimes She does chores That felt impossible BC All of it seemed impossible BC A friend accomplished what a decade of experts and therapists couldnt.She Was There for MeHaving a friend means feeling less alone in the world You have someone to talk to, someone to do things with, someone you can call on when you need somethingor, even better, who will come through without being called on I heard accounts of friends volunteering help in vastly different contexts When Aisulu Kulbayeva, a linguistics graduate student, talked to women in a village in Kazakhstan about their friendships, they told her of women coming through with help when needed, and of sharing what little they had One woman, Valentina, explained that she has a niece who is also a friend When either visits the other, she always brings something, like candy for the children And if her nieces husband has gone fishing, she will bring Valentina a fish When Valentinas father died, her niece came over as soon as she heard, helped at the funeral, and helped Valentina cook for the many guests who came not only for the funeral but also for traditional gatherings on the ninth and fortieth days following her fathers death Switching to present tense, Valentina explained that during that time, in order to be there for Valentina, her niece leaves all her household chores The only thing she goes home for is to milk the cow.She was there for me is something many women said when telling me about friendships they treasured Some of the most moving stories I heard were of friends who came through in difficult times, and they spanned the ages and stages of womens lives One woman recalled how her friends rallied around her when she faced a challenging life circumstancein the third grade Her family was going through a difficult time that her classmates got wind of Her close friends did not ask for detailsthat in itself was a gesture of friendshipand they worked as a team to protect her If a too curious classmate seemed poised to ask questions that might be hard for her to deal with, her friends would move in and encircle her, so the inquisitive intruder could not get to herliterally or figuratively I heard many accounts of friends bringing over meals and providing rides to medical facilities when a friend fell ill Several women told me of friends who lived in distant cities coming to help when they were recovering from surgeryand staying for a week or A woman described how, following a painful divorce, her friends helped her turn the run down condo she moved to into a home They came over with their rubber gloves and their buckets It was like the maid brigade They showed up to get down and dirty and gritty, because I was sort of dysfunctional at that point I could do stuff, but I couldnt organize it.On the other hand, a woman, Shirley, talked of an opposite experience When her husband began showing the debilitating signs of Parkinsons disease, Shirley said, There were women friendswomen I thought were my friendswho just disappeared Particularly disappointing was the reaction of a couple who had been among their closest friends for years As Shirleys husbands illness worsened, the wifes visits became sporadic, and her husbands stopped altogether The wife told Shirley My husband cant handle seeing your husband that way The hurt in Shirleys voice was evident as she said, We had to live with his Parkinsons every day, and shes telling me her husband cant stand it for an hour The experience led Shirley to contemplate the meaning of friendship If a friend isnt there when you need her, she mused, what is a friend One woman answered this question by saying that a true friend is someone she could call at three in the morning and say I need 100 for an airplane ticket The same wee hour came to the mind of a woman who told me that if a friend called her at three in the morning and said, I need bail, shed reply, Okay, can I come in my nightie Ill be right there These scenarios were hypothetical, but I heard many real life accounts of friends who jumped in a car or on a plane when a friend faced dire circumstances, such as that most unimaginable loss, the death of a spouse One woman, when her friends husband died, flew across the country immediately and stayed to show her friend how to do the many things that he had done write checks, balance a checkbook, shop for food and cook dinner After returning to her own home, she called on the phoneand continued to call every day for a year Even when she was physically distant, she was there for her bereaved friendthrough talk.The circumstances neednt be cataclysmic for friends to come through by being there to talk Another woman recalled a next door neighbor who called me one day when her son had dropped a jar of mayonnaise and smeared it around all over the kitchen floor then put eggs in it because he was going to make a cake And she just left the mess and came over We drank coffee and commiserated with each other.Its All TalkFor girls and women, talk is the glue that holds a relationship together.When my book You Just Dont Understand Women and Men in Conversation was published, I said this so often in interviews that my mother would tease me by chanting the sentence back to me Id always go on to add, For boys and men, its activities that are central For girls, your best friend is the one you tell everything to For boys, your best friend is the one you do everything withand the one who will stick up for you if theres a fight.Studies of children at play, such as Marjorie Harness Goodwins He Said She Said, found that girls and boys tend to play with others of the same sex, and to use language differently when they do Typically, girls social lives are centered on a best friend, and they spend a lot of time sitting and talking, especially exchanging secrets Boys talk, too, of course, but they tend to do it differently and for different purposes Typically though, obviously, not every child is typical patterns should not be misconstrued as norms , boys use language to take center stage by boasting, telling stories, making jokes, or telling others what to doall ways of establishing their status in the group, and also ways of talking that girls find unacceptable in other girls A boy who issues commands to others and gets them to stick is the leader A girl who tries to tell others what to do is bossy, and the other girls dont want to play with her.Observing the ways children use language in same sex play sheds light on differences in how women and men tend to use language among friends as adults Students in my classes observing their own conversations frequently describe contexts where the young women talk and the young men use action Heres an example provided by Erika Duelks.Saturday night, after a party, a group of us went to Matts house to hang out before we went home to bed I and the other girls proceeded to sit down on the couch and we began talking about the night what we thought was fun, what we wished had happened, etc I was in the middle of giving my friend Sarah advice about a boy when all of a sudden the coffee table was pushed out of the way and the guys began to wrestle, throwing each other onto the couch and pushing each other off chairs It was funny for me to see my big guy friends wrestling as if they were five year olds, but it also struck me that this is how we chose to relax the girls began talkingand the guys got up and started play fighting.If the boys were acting like five year olds by roughhousing, Erika and her friends were also acting like five year oldsfive year old girlsby sitting and talking.Ive often asked audiences, When did you last communicate with your closest friend Most women raise their hands to indicate this morning, yesterday or within a week A few womens hands go up to show within a month But many men, and very few women, raise their hands to indicate it has been a year or When I ask this question in conversation, men often say, I havent spoken to him in a yearbut if I needed him, hed be there If talk is the glue that holds a relationship together, you have to talk to your friend to maintain the friendship If friendships are focused on activities, then theres not much to gain by talking to friends who arent there.Journalist Jeffrey Zaslow was intrigued by the close friendships he saw his mother, sister, wife, and daughters enjoyingand sometimes suffering from Like an anthropologist who goes to live among members of a different culture, Zaslow followed a group of women who had been friends for forty years, to figure out what drives their friendships As he recounted in his book The Girls from Ames, he quickly realized that talking about their personal lives was key to their friendshipsand completely different from the kind of talk he and his friends engaged in Ive been playing poker with a group of friends every Thursday night for many years, he wrote in his introduction to the book About 80 percent of our conversations are focused specifically on the cards, the betting, the bluffing Most of the rest of the chatter is about sports, or sometimes our jobs For weeks on end, our personal livesor our feelings about anythingnever come up.Men will enjoy and profit from this book as much as women will The moral of these stories is that the need for friendship is forever, no matter what forms it takes Friends come and go, but those who allow us to be unself consciously ourselves Hamlet understood We grapple them to our souls with hoops of steel The Wall Street JournalAbook about friendship that is also interested in the miscommunication that can so complicate it The language, in this book about language, is saturated with concepts that apply equally well to romance in its traditional forms The language, too, celebrates friendship in its frustrations and its rewards and, above all, its wonderful complexity It is promoting friendship from a supporting character into a starring role A few years ago, the writer Emily Rapp argued that friendships between women are often the deepest and most profound love stories, but they are often discussed as if they are ancillary, bonus relationships to the truly important ones They are still, too often, discussed in that way But not always Not any And here, through Deborah Tannens consideration of the communication that informs those relationships, is further evidence of that The loves that the linguist explores in her romantically named book are not merely ones that comfort and sustain women until, one day, the real thing comes along They are the real thing The AtlanticAt a time when the messages we give and get have so many ways to be misconstrued and potentially damaging, a book that takes apart our language becomes almost vital to our survival as friends The Washington PostWith knowledge and wisdom, the author helps readers navigate the subtle workings of language in interactions among women Tannen sets out to help women make friendships stronger, accomplishing this in a highly accessible manner with both scientific research and a warm heart Firmly recommended for students of womens studies and for every woman committed to the gift of enduring friendships Library JournalTannen addresses womens tendency to seek and make bonds, the way secrets and talk of personal troubles can act as currency in this process, the subtle balance between connection and competition between female friends, and much Her extensive research and writing, full of thought provoking questions along with facts, are sure to hook readers enticed by her rich topic Booklist GetOutPass Get instant access to your favorite venue for We have had our pass a month and gone venues It has saved 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brilliant, book friend, help ace test, transform paper into pure gold, understand even most intricately plotted Shakespeare plays The problem equity vs equality graphic Absolutely fantastic kind thoughtfulness needed across visualization, UX, coding design big algorithms consistently run paucity social science background justice analysis Before actually enter this zone soaked lechery dirty action All nasty babes over absolutely addicted hot fucking perform each other simply amazing mannerDeborah Tannen LISTEN TO RADIO INTERVIEWS ABOUT THE BOOK NPR Little Conversation How Women Talk Each Other WBR Joy Cardin Show Understanding Language Girl WNYC Leonard Lopate Deborah Tannen Female Friendships Wikipedia Frances born June American academic professor linguistics Georgetown University Washington, DC She McGraw Distinguished Lecturer Princeton was fellow Center Talking from Men Work Fulfillment FBA service offer sellers lets store their products fulfillment centers, directly pack, ship, provide customer Communicating Style Interview holds esteemed rank Professor respected scholar written extensively within scholarly community, she also author six books popular audiences, Analysis Thesis Sex Lies Conversation Rhetoric begins her essay anecdote effective way opening particular right Power Who Gets Heard Why Consider turn taking, element linguistic style enterprise people take turns speaks, then responds Do Really Than Time Only Can Inside got shoutout Rush Limbaugh Ridiculing political correctness abrupt You Don Understand Linguistics Her include Times bestsellers Understand, Wearing THAT Were Always Mom FavoriteShe featured numerous major newspapers magazines, including Times, Newsweek, USA Today, Top Communication Challenges Professional Face Dec top communication challenges professional face Taking credit due observed typically reluctant stand RefWorks Login Want learn get RefWorks Simply download Quick Start Guide using no time check great quickly navigate through 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    • You're the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women's Friendships
    • 1.4
    • 89
    • Broché
    • 1101885807
    • Deborah Tannen
    • Anglais
    • 24 October 2016

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